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Location: Dallas, Texas

oh, I'm still making art in the urban forest

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Raccoon Facebook, Friends of Friends

So I've been trying to shut off the flippy door at night. Sometimes I remember and sometimes I don't, but I have DEFINITELY remembered to NOT leave out dog food. Once Roger (yes, Erin, it's too late, I named him) came in while I was at the computer and I heard him moving the dish around in vain. HAH, NO FOOD, THAT'll teach ya. He stayed away after that so by Thursday I figure I'm safe to take Tasha to the lake again and leave the door up and only cat food out, about four and a half feet off the ground. Honorio's going to feed the cats.

That night I get a text. There's a raccoon in your house. Would it be okay if I used your computer to get on Facebook? Okay, Honorio, but NO PORN. A meek "ok" in response. What, does he think I'm nuts? A good looking 26 year old straight man, hell I'D be gettin all the porn I could! But that's another topic.

WHAT ABOUT THE FRICKIN RACCOON, H? Turns out he came in to feed the cats, and just like the time I came in one evening, unsuspecting, turned the corner, and there's the raccoon checking things out. And Roger did not go, "OH, a HUMAN, I must SCAMPER!" No, the f*ker sat on his haunches and looked at Honorio like, "who the hell are you and what do you think you're doing here? " Fortunately my sweet neighbor followed his 26 year old straight man instinct, went right back outside and got a shovel and came back in to defend my (as they have described it: the crazy white lady next door) queendom. This time Roger left in a hurry.

Oh, did I tell you his sister Josefina saw a raccoon mom and her 3 babies crossing the street the other day? Well, hell, I didn't worry about THAT, they were going the other direction. But save this information; it's part of the plot.

Next morning I see on Honorio's FB wall: "The Lake!" I post back, "Wait, you're supposed to be feeding my cats." Then I get an FB email from Irene. "I'm feeding your cats, hope I'm doing it right." I'm all like, "WAIT, I PAID Honorio to do this and move the mattresses. Did he move the mattresses?"

Turns out Honorio had to make an emergency trip to the lake. An EMERGENCY trip to the lake on 4th of July weekend? Right.

All turns out to be fine, except that with all the mixed communications, Irene boarded up the flippy door and left the front WINDOW open. No evidence of raccoon entry but Little Edie is not fond of boarded up flippy door and has advised me of these feelings by pooping on my office floor, twice.

And yes, that's correct, no Roger entry.....except last night H saw mom (Rogerina) raccoon and all three babies (Randy, Rene and Rumpelstiltskin), ON MY ROOF. Shooed them away.

Happy 4th, all. This hot evening, I'm trying to come up with an early warning, stringing bells to the flippy door. Ever since all this started Tasha has taken to sleeping on the floor next to my bed (as opposed to smelling up the couch). Ostensibly to protect me but I think secretly she just doesn't want to have to deal with the goddamn raccoons.

Now look. All of you who lived thru the squirrel saga - THIS IS DIFFERENT. FIFTEEN YEARS I have been in this house, virtually of which have included a doggy door and I have NEVER had raccoons come in. Why now? Is it the drought? Do I need a new dog? And no, I'm not getting a gun. And, trapping them, what's the point? I live on a creek in the woods for chrissakes, if the current raccoon condo is vacated, someone else will just take up housekeeping.

Sigh. I will figure this out. Thanks for listening.


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