She Says Her Name is Latika
....but I think she's Monique traveling incognito. Looks JUST like her. This is the 'where da wall at' lady. She was at class again today and said NOTHING. I found myself wondering why. Was she sad? Mad?
Would these women be happier if the white woman wasn't there? Would they talk more? Be more comfortable?
TOday Greg made us all say our names and that felt so good. He's trying to unify us into a little cohesive group of ten ladies exercising, mostly all fat and mostly, well, no, ALL black, except me. One of the new ladies said the prayer at the end - Thank you Father God, for this and that, and she was so GOOD at it. She just went on and on. I'm no good at praying at all. I only pray when I really feel fucked up. And surely THAT can't be right.
Sooner or later it will have to be me saying the prayer, and I don't know how. I feel like the crazy character in the show I just did, the young woman who said, "teach me how to pray" and we looked at her like she was crazy. "Honey, nobody can TEACH you how to pray; that's between you and GOD" the other character said. And my character just went back to pounding the pie dough.
Today's observation, though it really started at the Wednesday class a week ago: This pool is outdoors, and the Y itself is in a pretty open area, a park, some baseball fields, and a little farther out, some woods. So the sky is big and open and wide and feels like Texas. SInce I live in woods and mostly drive around in the city, this exposure (aside from the melanoma I'm probably acquiring) is huge...as I turn from one side to the other, trying to make sure I don't get burned on one side by always facing the instructor (more white woman shit; nobody else has this problem)....I find myself watching the sky, thinking about the glitter of water against my sunglasses and relaxing my mind in a way I never let myself do. What can you do when you're exercising in a pool, counting the arm circles, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, etc, down to 0 and then ten more. Today a cloud went from wisps all the way to almost full thunderhead and died down again in the space of about 20 minutes. It was beautiful.
Would these women be happier if the white woman wasn't there? Would they talk more? Be more comfortable?
TOday Greg made us all say our names and that felt so good. He's trying to unify us into a little cohesive group of ten ladies exercising, mostly all fat and mostly, well, no, ALL black, except me. One of the new ladies said the prayer at the end - Thank you Father God, for this and that, and she was so GOOD at it. She just went on and on. I'm no good at praying at all. I only pray when I really feel fucked up. And surely THAT can't be right.
Sooner or later it will have to be me saying the prayer, and I don't know how. I feel like the crazy character in the show I just did, the young woman who said, "teach me how to pray" and we looked at her like she was crazy. "Honey, nobody can TEACH you how to pray; that's between you and GOD" the other character said. And my character just went back to pounding the pie dough.
Today's observation, though it really started at the Wednesday class a week ago: This pool is outdoors, and the Y itself is in a pretty open area, a park, some baseball fields, and a little farther out, some woods. So the sky is big and open and wide and feels like Texas. SInce I live in woods and mostly drive around in the city, this exposure (aside from the melanoma I'm probably acquiring) is huge...as I turn from one side to the other, trying to make sure I don't get burned on one side by always facing the instructor (more white woman shit; nobody else has this problem)....I find myself watching the sky, thinking about the glitter of water against my sunglasses and relaxing my mind in a way I never let myself do. What can you do when you're exercising in a pool, counting the arm circles, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, etc, down to 0 and then ten more. Today a cloud went from wisps all the way to almost full thunderhead and died down again in the space of about 20 minutes. It was beautiful.
posted by pamdbigd | 7:07 PM
1 Comments:
I'm trying so very hard to be mindful of myself and not what other people are thinking about me during exercise. Man that's tough.
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