God Spake To Pam
and He said, Do not Buyeth that Casio Camera tonight.
Yea, even though you workethed your butt off all weekend
re-sanding and varnishing your desk,
mowing the lawn and steam cleaning the upholstery,
did you not think the Blue Bell was sufficient reward?
Listen up Pam, ye shall learn a lesson from Me.
Do not think that just because you made a "great catch" at work today and
Your boss and your boss's boss and
your boss's boss's boss all said, in electronic verse:
Pam, You rocketh, You are an awesome editor.
Do not think that just because you do a great audition
for the anime movie and the director says,
Pam, You are so good, that was an EXcellent read!
Do not, I say unto you, get cocky.
For you will be driving along, driving along and suddenly become confused
And think, Oh my God (yes, I'm listening) am I 'LOSING TIME?"
.....am I "GETTING ALZHEIMERS?"
How did I get back home so quickly?
Because you will not be home.
You will look at the skyline and think, hmmm those buildings looketh funny.
You will be most of the way to Fort Worth
You were wistfully dreaming of taking pictures like Lori Witzel
and posting them to your blog
And you WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
But that, o' menopausal Goddess, is just the beginning.
When you drive through the bank to cash the check from the conservative think tank
so you can just give MONEY to Circuit City,
for the camera you covet,
so the Republicans can,
before they pay for your face lift,
pay for your cool skinny little light weight camera,
You will discover you've left your wallet at home.
because you WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
So you will turn East on I-30 near Belknap and now the games begin.
Cheryl and her daughter are coming in tomorrow afternoon.
The Republicans have offered you yet more work tonight.
You can edit a piece on windfall profit taxes. A piece on health care.
Make some more money.
Or should you buy favorite foods for 12-year olds?
Or should you get the little chain at Home Depot to make the toilet flush right?
Or should you get the camera!?
Thinketh, Pam. Thinketh.
Lo, but you challenge Me and decide you will go home
and find your wallet and go to Circuit City.
So still I must teach you.
You drive home, enter house at dusk, dogs bouncing, cats leaping,
love all around.
But there is a sound. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhh.
Is it gas escaping?
You look in every direction. There are no lights on. Just the sound.
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
No odor.
If you turn on a light, will the house explode?
You go to the farthest end of the house, crouch, flip a switch, and
yes, the lights work!
You creep ever closer to the sound and discover:
the plug on the water heater has blown off and
water is spewing all over your office floor.
It is not deep. But it is everywhere.
I tried to tell you about the Blue Bell,
....and all the compliments....
But nay, you would not listen.
You think if you cover up the office floor with all the towels and throw rugs and even a flannel sheet,
That it will not still be there WHEN YOU GET BACK?
So you head out for Circuit City, a 20 minute ride south.
Did I, speaking in the Omnipotent Voice,
not tell your Fingers to Doeth The Walking?
And aieeee, the Circuit City logo is whitewashed,
Soon to be a K&B. Or K&G.
Some red and black rip off clothing store.
But your son, thankfully, is in the SMU Law library.
What, Mom? He whispers....
Are you in the LIbrary?
Yes, I'm studying.
Can you look something up for me
so I don't have to give Cingular Information $1.50?
What is it Mom, I can't hear you.
You're in the car, I'm in the library, you don't have to whisper.
Is there a Circuit City in Cedar Hill?
I'm already so fucking far south I might as well keep going.
Okay, just a sec.
We get disconnected.
I call back.
Mom? Shhhhhh. Yes, there's one on 67.
Thanks, I love you you're my favorite.
Oh yeah? You just bought my sister a video iPod for graduation
and now you're buying a camera
and I'm a starving law student, and I'M your favorite?
Can we talk about this later? You study.
Right, ma, I love you too, bye.
(Note to self: lawyers, even sons, cannot save you)
You drive ever farther south. Walk in the Circuit City.
Approach the camera section.
You are woman with credit card, research accomplished,
Plan in mind, money to spend.
No one appears to be working tonight.
Do you not getteth that this is a CLUE?
You seek out, o foolish woman, a young dusky skinned man with red shirt.
You subconsiously register that he looks Indian,
Therefore he must know about cameras.
And realize they made the movie Crash for people just like YOU.
Together you seek the Casio camera you covet.
But the model numbers and prices are different from the Web.
What happened to $264? Now it's $299?
Or is that this OTHER model that's on clearance.
But, you argue, I thought if it's available on the web it's available in the store.
Uhm, ma'm, let's just look.
Model X - not available in stores, web-only special, out of stock in store, out of stock online.
Model Y - available in stores, (except THIS one that you just drove halfway to Waco to reach),
$50 more than you budgeted.
Model Z - didn't exist until you got here.
Model XYZ - special one time only clearance, lower than humanly possible, must buy tonight or this deal is done forever.
You depart, realizing that the "Circuit City Super Sale" ends tonight,
and you have only wet towels to show for it.
There is however, a Super Target next door. You've never been in a Super Target.
So you buy junk food for 12 year olds and learn that Super Target is kind of a....
....welll..... a white man's Wal-Mart.
that's disgusting, but it's true, isn't it?
It's this gigantic market laid out exactly like wal-mart
only....nicer.
I came home. Started pulling out clothes from the washer.....
The cats knocked over a bottle of Bleach that must not have been sealed,
as that brand new brown sweater my daughter made me buy from the Gap
has two big white blotches on it.
Your writers group topic for this month was "LESSONS"
But you just couldn't get inspired to write, now could you, Pam?
Lesson learned?
Well, God, here's how I feel about it:
So sue me if the possessives, tenses and voice are inconsistent.
I am not buying a Casio camera tonight.
I am having a glass or two of cabernet,
editing for the think tank and watching Murderball.
Yea, even though you workethed your butt off all weekend
re-sanding and varnishing your desk,
mowing the lawn and steam cleaning the upholstery,
did you not think the Blue Bell was sufficient reward?
Listen up Pam, ye shall learn a lesson from Me.
Do not think that just because you made a "great catch" at work today and
Your boss and your boss's boss and
your boss's boss's boss all said, in electronic verse:
Pam, You rocketh, You are an awesome editor.
Do not think that just because you do a great audition
for the anime movie and the director says,
Pam, You are so good, that was an EXcellent read!
Do not, I say unto you, get cocky.
For you will be driving along, driving along and suddenly become confused
And think, Oh my God (yes, I'm listening) am I 'LOSING TIME?"
.....am I "GETTING ALZHEIMERS?"
How did I get back home so quickly?
Because you will not be home.
You will look at the skyline and think, hmmm those buildings looketh funny.
You will be most of the way to Fort Worth
You were wistfully dreaming of taking pictures like Lori Witzel
and posting them to your blog
And you WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
But that, o' menopausal Goddess, is just the beginning.
When you drive through the bank to cash the check from the conservative think tank
so you can just give MONEY to Circuit City,
for the camera you covet,
so the Republicans can,
before they pay for your face lift,
pay for your cool skinny little light weight camera,
You will discover you've left your wallet at home.
because you WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
So you will turn East on I-30 near Belknap and now the games begin.
Cheryl and her daughter are coming in tomorrow afternoon.
The Republicans have offered you yet more work tonight.
You can edit a piece on windfall profit taxes. A piece on health care.
Make some more money.
Or should you buy favorite foods for 12-year olds?
Or should you get the little chain at Home Depot to make the toilet flush right?
Or should you get the camera!?
Thinketh, Pam. Thinketh.
Lo, but you challenge Me and decide you will go home
and find your wallet and go to Circuit City.
So still I must teach you.
You drive home, enter house at dusk, dogs bouncing, cats leaping,
love all around.
But there is a sound. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhh.
Is it gas escaping?
You look in every direction. There are no lights on. Just the sound.
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
No odor.
If you turn on a light, will the house explode?
You go to the farthest end of the house, crouch, flip a switch, and
yes, the lights work!
You creep ever closer to the sound and discover:
the plug on the water heater has blown off and
water is spewing all over your office floor.
It is not deep. But it is everywhere.
I tried to tell you about the Blue Bell,
....and all the compliments....
But nay, you would not listen.
You think if you cover up the office floor with all the towels and throw rugs and even a flannel sheet,
That it will not still be there WHEN YOU GET BACK?
So you head out for Circuit City, a 20 minute ride south.
Did I, speaking in the Omnipotent Voice,
not tell your Fingers to Doeth The Walking?
And aieeee, the Circuit City logo is whitewashed,
Soon to be a K&B. Or K&G.
Some red and black rip off clothing store.
But your son, thankfully, is in the SMU Law library.
What, Mom? He whispers....
Are you in the LIbrary?
Yes, I'm studying.
Can you look something up for me
so I don't have to give Cingular Information $1.50?
What is it Mom, I can't hear you.
You're in the car, I'm in the library, you don't have to whisper.
Is there a Circuit City in Cedar Hill?
I'm already so fucking far south I might as well keep going.
Okay, just a sec.
We get disconnected.
I call back.
Mom? Shhhhhh. Yes, there's one on 67.
Thanks, I love you you're my favorite.
Oh yeah? You just bought my sister a video iPod for graduation
and now you're buying a camera
and I'm a starving law student, and I'M your favorite?
Can we talk about this later? You study.
Right, ma, I love you too, bye.
(Note to self: lawyers, even sons, cannot save you)
You drive ever farther south. Walk in the Circuit City.
Approach the camera section.
You are woman with credit card, research accomplished,
Plan in mind, money to spend.
No one appears to be working tonight.
Do you not getteth that this is a CLUE?
You seek out, o foolish woman, a young dusky skinned man with red shirt.
You subconsiously register that he looks Indian,
Therefore he must know about cameras.
And realize they made the movie Crash for people just like YOU.
Together you seek the Casio camera you covet.
But the model numbers and prices are different from the Web.
What happened to $264? Now it's $299?
Or is that this OTHER model that's on clearance.
But, you argue, I thought if it's available on the web it's available in the store.
Uhm, ma'm, let's just look.
Model X - not available in stores, web-only special, out of stock in store, out of stock online.
Model Y - available in stores, (except THIS one that you just drove halfway to Waco to reach),
$50 more than you budgeted.
Model Z - didn't exist until you got here.
Model XYZ - special one time only clearance, lower than humanly possible, must buy tonight or this deal is done forever.
You depart, realizing that the "Circuit City Super Sale" ends tonight,
and you have only wet towels to show for it.
There is however, a Super Target next door. You've never been in a Super Target.
So you buy junk food for 12 year olds and learn that Super Target is kind of a....
....welll..... a white man's Wal-Mart.
that's disgusting, but it's true, isn't it?
It's this gigantic market laid out exactly like wal-mart
only....nicer.
I came home. Started pulling out clothes from the washer.....
The cats knocked over a bottle of Bleach that must not have been sealed,
as that brand new brown sweater my daughter made me buy from the Gap
has two big white blotches on it.
Your writers group topic for this month was "LESSONS"
But you just couldn't get inspired to write, now could you, Pam?
Lesson learned?
Well, God, here's how I feel about it:
So sue me if the possessives, tenses and voice are inconsistent.
I am not buying a Casio camera tonight.
I am having a glass or two of cabernet,
editing for the think tank and watching Murderball.
posted by pamdbigd | 7:00 PM
9 Comments:
i got dizzy reading this. Is any camera worth the pain?
And...How can you go through life & not know that Target is nicer than Wal-Mart?
America wants to know.
So, your God wears a funny nose and glasses too?
;-)
Thank you for the mention (guess I'm sparking something?) But trust me, it's not about the camera...it's about the oddness and beauty of living.
Loved this crazeee post.
oh man mom, this was so funny it's gonna get a post in MY blog.
e
Consider yourself linked...but hey! Where's my link?! (Darn -- fooled again.)
;-)
Yippppeeeee!!! Linked!
Can't wait to see what you post next.
Yea, for thou hath caused much mirth and laughter and yea, even peeing. For thou haseth some crazy wack brain, for art thou once yea before into shocketh therapy where O, voltage and buzzing hath created a monthster nay a critter and she sayeth let there be light heartedness yea unto thee. Amen.
Oh my word! U must be in Miss Pretty's next story. Do U mind. Drop on by to read a couple. This is the best thing I have read all week! Bleach, oh F!
This is brilliant! Couldn't stop reading from the moment I started. I found your blog through Lori's. So why are you still working for Republicans? Is that the cost of living in TX? Curious in PA
I'm an actress working free lance as an editor/proofreaderfor a think tank. They're very conservative. An extremely liberal (theatre) friend sorta dropped the (very part time) gig in my lap and I've learned more about government and Social Security and the environment, and retirement and Medicare and health care around the world and a whole host of other topics than I ever might have learned, had I stuck to Time magazine and whatever my union friends send down the pipe. It just happened. They don't brand them selves as Republicans, they just are. but thanks for your positive comment!
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